Should I Really Be Here?

Should I really be here? Is that a question that you’ve ever asked yourself? I have asked it of myself in several different situations. One of the big reasons to ask that question is an uneasy feeling that makes you wonder if the setting you’re in is appropriate or good for you. Another reason could be that you aren’t sure that you are “important” or “cool” enough to be where you are.

As I was walking the strand with some of the officers during Mardi Gras this year, that question crossed my mind as something I used to think about pretty regularly. When I first started hanging around with the officers, I felt comfortable around the ones I knew, but was always a little uneasy when a new one showed up. I felt like they were all so much cooler than me and that I wasn’t really sure that I should be hanging around them. I worried that I would say something stupid or do something that would bother them.

As I continued to spend more time around them and get more involved, those thoughts crossed my mind a little less often, but didn’t completely go away. As I met officers in other divisions in the department or higher ranked officers, the nervousness would often creep back in. When officers I knew well and felt very comfortable around made it onto special teams, sometimes I fell back into not questioning if I should be around them. It made me feel like they were too cool for me again.

As I talked on the strand with some of the SWAT guys and walked around with SRG (Special Response Group), I laughed a little and found myself so grateful that I don’t have to ask that question anymore, at least in this place in my life. The officers have shown me over and over that I really should be here and that I definitely belong. They have been so accepting of me and I have to say it’s made me feel a little cooler. It’s pretty fun and is such a privilege to walk around at big events with the officers. I love getting to do it!

And really it’s much more than just feeling a little cooler and being with them at big events. The care and love I feel from the officers is so amazing and something I experience on a daily basis. At this point I would almost ask if I should really be here because I don’t know that I deserve how good they are to me. Here is a recent example. A couple weeks ago I was sitting in my office on the phone with a friend completely unaware of what was happening on the streets. Officer Alawar called me and I didn’t answer the first time. He called back again immediately, so I knew I needed to answer. When I did he asked where I was and if I was ok. What I didn’t know was that a major accident dropped a block away from my house. The vehicles involved were two Toyota SUV’s (which is what I drive) and there was a female bleeding from the head. Officer Alawar and Officer McMillan heard it on the radio and were concerned that the female bleeding from the head could have been me. They were ready to run lights and sirens to come and help.

The officers are so good to me! This is one story of many. You can read lots of other examples in my previous blogs. I’m so happy I did not let my questioning if I belonged stop me from spending time with them. I’m so happy they put up with my goofiness and always include me. And the more I get to talk with them and spend time with them, the more that I’m reminded that we have a pretty big thing in common, we are all people. They may wear a uniform and do a very high pressure job, but they are people. We all have good days and bad days, successes and struggles. Of course, I still think all of them are pretty cool and that won’t ever change, but it doesn’t stop me from being with them anymore.

If you’ve ever questioned if you were important or cool enough to be somewhere, I hope you get some reassurance too. Take the leap and remember that you are all people. I hope it leads you to a group that is as wonderful to be a part of as the Galveston Police Department.