The definition of the word hesitant is tentative, unsure, or slow in acting or speaking. The definition of the word hesitate is pause before speaking or doing something, especially through uncertainty. These words are not something that come to mind when I think of first responders. The very nature of their job requires them to act swiftly and make quick decisions. They drive to calls at high speeds with lights and sirens on because it really could be a life or death situation. Upon arrival they have to spring into action to care for the person in need or to de-escalate the situation. They have to come up with quick solutions to problems that often took quite some time to create. These things do not leave much time for uncertainty, pausing or acting slowly.
Now, I want to make sure I’m painting a correct picture in your head. Please don’t confuse quick actions with carelessness or foolishness. I think that’s part of what makes being a first responder so difficult. They have to act so quickly while remaining calm, professional, and acting in a way that upholds the standards of law enforcement. If there is a moment of uncertainty, they will call one of their partners or a supervisor to make sure they are moving in the right direction.
Personally, I’m not sure that I am as good at acting as quickly as they are. I definitely tend to hesitate before jumping into action, especially in uncertain situations. If I’m comfortable, I have no problem taking action, but I’m not as quick in situations I haven’t been in before. I tend to worry about being in the way or not knowing what to say or do. My steps are usually very calculated and plans discussed with a few people to make sure I’m doing the right thing. These are reasons that I know God has a sense of humor. God moved me out of my comfort zone in the church to the police department where there is no shortage of new situations. Every time I think I’ve seen everything, I learn that is not the case. There is also not much time to hesitate on scenes that I get called out to. People are in crisis and they are looking to the chaplain to provide comfort, so I have to get there to be able to do that.
Hesitancy can be really good if you need a minute to collect your thoughts or to make sure you feel good about your decision. It can keep people from acting impulsively. Hesitancy can also come with regret though. On May 18, 2018 there was an active shooter at Santa Fe High School (Texas…for my NM friends). I was at one of the police officer’s homes when the call dropped. He told me what was happening, got his gear together and headed out. I sat and wondered if I should go and what I should be doing. At the time I was still full-time at the church, so I was also concerned about my students who were at school just 20 minutes away hearing the news. I got my stuff together and headed back to the island where I sat on my couch for a while still wondering what I should be doing. I got phone calls from a couple of the officers asking if I had headed up there or what I was doing. I still kept going back and forth in my mind as to what I should do. I wanted to help in Santa Fe, but was afraid of being in the way, and also wanted to be there for my students in Galveston.
To this day, I wish I had just gotten in the car and gone. I wish I hadn’t let my own insecurities and worries get in the way. It certainly taught me something for next time though. Of course I hope that there is never another school shooting, but there will be a new emergency. When it happens, I will work to embrace the spirit that the officers and other first responders have. I will jump into action quickly, but do so with wisdom and humility. I will carry myself with the authority that comes with my badge, but also with compassion and as a servant. That is exactly what I see them do and I am thankful for many opportunities to continue learning from them. Of course it also brings to mind wise words from Scripture. 2 Timothy 1:6-7 says, “Because of this, I’m reminding you to revive God’s gift that is in you through the laying on of my hands. God didn’t give us a spirit that is timid but one that is powerful, loving, and self-controlled.” This is a great reminder for me that God opened the doors for me to be in this position, so I have no reason to worry that I’m not in the right place or doing the right thing.
I think these words pretty accurately describe the heart of an officer that is anything but hesitant.
I choose to believe. I believe in the power of a calling. I believe in honor and sacrifice, in courage through danger and strength through struggle. I believe in hope. I believe in the power of will, in justice, in a new day, and in making a difference. I will never stop believing no matter what comes my way. Some may hate, while others turn a blind eye. There will be burdens and risks. Loss of brothers and sisters and the challenge to keep going. No matter what confronts me, no matter the danger, I will keep my faith, my hope, and my courage. I am a defender and a peacekeeper. I am a sheepdog.